Competing

If you feel always like competing

It gets you tired only thinking!

Is good to be the best and win

But if you need that, to be seen

It's bad already, 'cause in life

You'll fail at times, it's like a knife

That has 2 blades:

One is the win

And there's the fail, always has been!

Just learn that each of us is good

At something, and when in the mood

And set on it

You can move seas

But if it's over, it's unease!

The main concern should be for you

To always do what you wann' do

And what you love!

No pride involved,

No ego, and no other word!

Just feel the love for what you're up to

And life will be the best, it has to!

Always competing gets you ill

And you will loose your love, your thrill!

There's just one you, you're like noone

Noone is like you, you're a sun!

Each person is, has light inside

And should let all of it shine bright!

Noone is  better as a whole

Or worse in life, it's about soul!

So be yourself! And good or bad

Is just a thinking, and is mad!

You are no word, you are no tag

You are unique, so please, don't brag!

Sooo. All my life untill a while ago, I was convinced that I was born to compete. Even worse, I was convinced life was all about fighting against others, fighting to be the best, otherwise you just stop existing! My parents, actually my grandmother, cause she and grandpa raised me because my parents were working and had no time, taught me that I HAD to be the best in my classroom, otherwise "your mom will be ashamed" (that's what my grandma was telling me a few times a day) or that, "everyone will laugh at you" and so on. I cringe only when I remember! What incredibly bad ideas to live upon!!! What does this mean, then, that if I was the best, and fighting my ass off to stay the best, all the others were failures? Noones? Nothings? Even if I was not a mean child, (actually, I was very shy and introverted), I somehow felt above the others and better than them, because I could have all the good grades and be the "class chief" and so on. Even if I was, on the other hand, feeling very sperated and put aside because of all that. At times I was crying because I wanted so much to be careless and free like all the other children, to be allowed to stay out as long as they did, to go wherever they did, and to know all of the games they knew because they were spending more time together instead of staying home and learning for school. I felt so left out.
Don't get me wrong, I am not mad (anymore!) at my folks for raising me like this (although I have been for a long time), I know now that they did what they could and that's all they could, with the brain they had at that time and with their own background... but this was so very wrong for me. I am glad I've been through all this though, so I know now how to raise my kid, at least from this point of view!
Later, while after I had rebelled against them and left home (I maybe will post about this sometimes too), I kept living in the same way, I felt the need to be the best, the best looking in my group of friends, the happiest, the most smiling, the most careless, the best dancer, the one to have the best job and earn the most money, the best in my job and so on. And all this almost killed me. Because it is great to be the best, especially when it does not take too much effort for you to do that and you realise that you can do easy some things that others can't, even when striving, but after a while, especially when you are not 20 years old anymore... there will be others that are just like you or maybe better at all that, and younger and with more energy, and you, if you only see yourself as your success... realise that you start crumbling, as a person. Because the image of yourself that you build for you and for the others was that of a success (that brought lots of envy too), not the one of a real person with good and bad sides. So you start to suffer. And start to fight as hard as you can to stay the best. You ignore important parts of yourself and your life for that. But you can't anymore, so you become desperate. And as no success comes from desperation, you get even lower. You start hating the things you once loved. You start hating yourself, you start feeling ugly and old and ignored and all the bad things. All of that because all you knew was that you only deserve to be loved for the things you DO. Loved by YOURSELF and THE OTHERS only for the things that you DO, not for what you ARE. And that lead me to depression. I was feeling useless, hopeless, beyond tired, worthless and bad from all points of view. Besides, the persons that knew me as successful and happy and full of life and were envious all of this time, now started to say things like "see, you were not invincible after all".... or "see, you shouldn't have bragged, cause you are not all that, after all" (even if I dont think I ever bragged...). And what hurt most was that these persons were from my family (extended family), but people I thought they were good to me and nice and real friends! Apparently you can't have any real friend when you are only an image, a picture ... a perfect picture worth a million bucks, but not a real person. And according to the Law of Attraction, if you think you only worth what you can do, you will attract people that think the same way and see you exactly like that. Only a DO'er!
I am glad that my husband was not one of those persons, otherwise I don't know where I'd be today... He didn't help me too much but he didn't put me down either. He did try his best to help me, but not everyone can help a person in such a situation, I think you need to really be a shrink for that ...
So, as I was struggeling like that, having ups and downs, times when I was getting back on top and times when I was getting sick of tireness and bad thoughts, I was lucky one more time, because I got pregnant and had my baby. And he fixed my life big time! How? By not even allowing me to THINK about being able to compete in my job and life anymore! LOL Brutal but amazing! I remember a smart woman once saying "a baby puts your life in amazing order" and she was so right! Besides, having a baby, becoming a mama, gave me some sense of value (not as much as it should, as I was broken from that point of view) but enough to help me go by at that time... kind of.
There were bad times again, because, as I was prone to this, I had times when I felt I was not a good mother, and there were enough people around me who tried to make me think that (same people that were all for loving someone when they continually DID things for them, never for just existing), and so on...but that will make the topic for another blog post. I feel sorry for these people actually, because it is clear to me that they are unhappy and they don't love themselves either. But is not my problem, really!
Basically, after quite a while and after reading all my books, Louise Hay, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle and so on, I finally managed to start loving myself as I am, allowing myself to be imperfect, I realised that I am actually worth loving and that I am not a bad person at all (we are ALL good, basically, only the EGO makes us bad), and I can't even begin to tell you what a relief that was for me. I even got rid of my annoying acne that I've been fighting with for years! In Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" there is a part where she says that acne is caused at times (most often) because you don't love yourself as you are. And in my case she was so right on the ...spot! :)
So, that is the conclusion, parents, please don't make your children grow thinking their only worth is that of what they achieve, and that they always have to be better than others. A child has to be comfortable with being who he is, has to KNOW that he is being loved even when he fails at something, as long as he tried to do it right, he doesn't have to fear that he or she won't be loved/accepted anymore if he/she fails at something or doesn't have this or that talent, skill or beauty or who knows what else. Cause it will cause big big problems for them later in life, like it caused me.
Compete for the pleasure of participating, but never think you are a looser if you don't win! There's no such thing as "loosers". We are all here with a purpose, we are all here to help each other and to understand that we are basically the same, there is no comparison, because we are all basically soul and conscience wrapped up in human form, and the form will eventually be gone, so isn't it stupid to torment your soul for something that won't last anyways? We are souls that have been forever and will be forever, we should not be condemned by our egos to suffer in this life and in any life whatsoever!
I should stop before I start saying nonsense :)
Peace and wisdom to all!
xx

When is too hard

When is too hard

To do a thing

You have to breathe and just not think!

What is, it is!

It can't be changed

So go with it, and don't get raged!

Your mind will try to say it's "Oh!

So so impossible", you know

But trust me here, if you will listen

You're only trapped! Mind is not wisdom!

You'll have to do it anyways

And you can choose between 2 ways:

The silly way, to suffer double,

Once in your mind, once from the struggle

The good way is to just let go

Of the control, and on you go!

Just go with what is called "the flow"

What is, just is, we have to know

That only by the things we say

We get bad happenings our way

Don't fight with life, enjoy your ride

Is all  to good, God's by your side!

And every thing that looks so bad

Leads to your good, by God's command!

Allright so this is my little poem for today, cuz I realised that I love love making them, and it's very easy too, and if it's easy, means I should be doing it, and is probably what I should be doing...as life purpose? I was looking for it and I prayed God to show me my way, and then I just got the idea to do the things I liked best when I was little, and poetry is one of them! So, thank you, God! :)

If my poem was not very clear, as poems are just poems and they are not as clear as prose, obviously, I will try to explain what I meant, below.

I was inspired by what's happening in my life right now, cause at the moment there is plenty of happening in there for me to draw alot of inspiration from it!

Lately I have been struggeling alot, lately, meaning ever since I gave birth to my son, almost 2 years ago, my life turned completely upside down, not only thanks to him but to many other events with no apparent connection between. And even if my son is the biggest blessing in my life, I have been through struggles and things that would have been unthinkable for me prior to this period of time, and I managed to do them! At first they put me kind of down, but, little by little, as I was studying the Law of Attraction and all this New Earth and New Age Philosophy, they started not to feel as bad and as hard to surmount! Because I learned to let go of control and just go with the flow! I learned to accept the present moment and only try to do the best that I could, with the given situation, without trying to fight against the given situation anymore. And I found out that I was way more happy like that! I didn't get anymore feelings of uselessness and of being unable and of being a failure, and also, I didn't really care anymore about what others would say of me! Because I KNOW, I FEEL that there really IS a good in every bad thing happening in life (I knew that even before reading about all that). The things are only apparently hard or bad, because everything that happens is taking us to a higher level of consciousness, is for our best!! And if I start looking back to all of my life, I can see that from every bad thing, a good thing came, eventually. I suggest everyone do that, look back and try to find the good that came from a bad thing. You will sure find it, if not yet, then surely sometimes in the future. God only loves us, God does not punish us, at the most, we punish ourselves! And we punish ourselves usually with our mind, we create so much suffering with the mind! Try to only use your mind for things that do good to you and to everyone else, and if you feel a suffering, a bad feeling, means you are not using your mind the right way. Change the way, it IS in your power!

Peace to all!

xx

Why This Blog?

(This image is from www.smartgoat.com, no idea who they are, but I thought I would give them credit for having taken their pic :))


Ooookay, so here I am, I just managed to create a new blog! Why Self Taught Goat? Because, by the Chinese Horoscope, I am a Goat, and because I am self taught, well, at least in one area, and that would be... the science of living! Okay in beauty stuff too, in DIY stuff, in arts and crafts... And because all the other names were taken and I am not a very patient Goat, so I hurried up and settled for this one. And because I think it's a funny name, and I am not taking myself too serious, for most of the time. I do not say that I am very advanced in this self teaching process of living, but I realised that I needed this outlet to be able to continue and complete the process that I started.
I dearly welcome everyone to join me in this project, with posts, questions, answers, anything you people feel like adding or telling me or even telling to yourself, because I just realised that it is extremely important to be able to somehow let it all out at times.
Why am I writting in English, even if it's not my mother tongue? Because I feel I can reach to many more people like this, and funny enough, I always felt safer and more at ease writting about myself in English, even in my teenage diary that my mom found and took to my English teacher to translate. And then the hell broke loose! LOL

I am 34 years old female, I am living in Romania for now, I am the mother of a little toddler, I am married to my highschool sweetheart and I strongly have the hope that there can be a better life for all of the people... NOT out there, but INhere. I mean, I am convinced that it all comes from the inside, once you manage to make peace on the inside, there will be so much better on the outside too. That's what I wanna teach myself with this blog. That I CAN. Reading Eckhard Tolle's *A New Earth* saved me, but I found out that there is lots of work to keep up...saving myself :)
Since one year and a half (pretty much after having my baby) my life changed and I have been through so much hassle and issues that can't even believe, so that's why I need myself to help ME to get out of all this and get myself back on track and living the life that I used to, or, I wanna hope, a better one!
Right now, writting all this, I realise that I could go on on this topic forever but I kind of got tired of typing and I bet noone will really read all of this (I know I am doing this mostly for myself but I would really really be the happiest person if I could help another person too) because I am sure there are others facing the same issues that I am facing!
My problems were mostly inside issues, of course, triggered by events that happened in my life, but I am sure that I kind of overreacted to many of the events, because there are people out there that have been through so much more and handled it so much better, but again, that's my purpose, to solve the problems that I have, that make me hurt so much on the inside. Good luck to me! :))
That being said, I wanna send a virtual hug to everyone that needs a hug, and head off to my daily chores.
Peace!
xx